GUEST POST: Love is Not a Pile of Oranges
All (good) parents know, as Megan is finding out, love is one of life’s greatest paradoxes. As in, the more you give, the more you have.
Which is different than if I had a pile of oranges – or in these coronavirus times, rolls of toilet paper. If I chose to give away my oranges – or my rolls of toilet paper – every time I give one away, I would have less for myself.
Love is decidedly not like that.
Love is emptying yourself out for the sake of another to discover you have become more fully the person you’ve been created to be.
Not like a pile of oranges.
Let’s say I wanted to make orange juice with my oranges. I cut them in half and squeeze them into a glass. The orange has just been used in one of the ways in which oranges are intended, but the orange itself is now a hollow, empty version of its original self with nothing left to give (provided I got all the juice out with whatever countertop contraption I used).
When you empty yourself for another in a healthy, life-giving relationship, when you sacrifice for another out of love, you do not become a used-up hollow shell with nothing left to give.
You become something more – not less – more like the human you never knew you had the power to be. And somehow, you find you have even more love to give.
Which is a very good thing because every single one of us needs love. Just as much as we need clean air to breath, clean water to drink, and that organ in our chest to pump nourishing blood to every part of our body to survive, we all need love. The old, the young, the undertall, the overeducated, those living with chronic illness.
Why? Because we are built for love.
We are so built for love that we don’t even have to know someone to love them. Look how inspiring Megan is with her blog, encouraging others who live with extreme challenges to stay positive and be happy! She takes her time and her talent and shares it with us.
That’s love.
Unfortunately for us English speakers, our language limits our understanding of this cosmic reality. Thank goodness the Greeks do a better job of explaining our experiences of love.
EROS
The love we Americans often think of first; erotic or sexual love. Playwrights, scriptwriters, actors, and movie houses have all made millions of dollars telling stories based on sexual love; from that initial sexual spark to final consummation and everything in between.
Oh, my love, my darling / I’ve hungered for your touch
~ The Righteous Brothers, Unchained Melody
We definitely need Eros because how else would the human race continue? But certainly, not all love can be erotic love. I love my mom and kids and my best friend, but Eros has nothing to do with any of them (thank goodness).
AGAPE
This is completely selfless, unconditional love. Usually the love a parent has for a child in that no matter what the child does (refuse to sleep, draw on the walls with Sharpies, have a few beers with friends before turning 21) the parent will not stop loving the child. We also, I think, look for this when we search out a life partner; someone who will know me and still love me, despite my mistakes and failings.
“He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing.”
― Sherman Alexie, The Toughest Indian in the World
I think more than any other love, Agape is an intentional decision we make; to put someone else’s needs before our own without asking for or expecting anything in return. Every time we choose Agape, like when we choose to purchase only what we need rather than hoarding, say fresh produce, meat, and toilet paper, we choose to be a better, happier person.
And in the end / The love you take / Is equal to the love you make
~ John Lennon and Paul McCartney
PHILIA
The love of a friend; a love that does not encompass physical attraction. We all need people who care for us, want the best for us, and help us to become better humans. Nothing beats the love and loyalty of a true friend.
Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies ~ Aristotle
Philia, I firmly believe, is where all relationships should start. The basis of a good marriage or life partner relationship is a deep and profound friendship. I always knew I wanted to marry my best friend. And I did.
I bet Megan married her best friend, too.
I’ve always encouraged my kids and students to form friendships, or experience Philia, before being exclusive with someone. The friends we make definitely influence who we will become…for better or for worse. If we’re lucky, the people we experience Philia with will be lifelong friends and no matter how much time or space (social distancing!) may separate us, we can resume the relationship as if no time had passed at all.
STORGE
Family love or the strong affection parents have for their young. This also overlaps with Agape and as with the cousins pictured below, also conforms with Philia.
Lucky the person who can be true friends with members of their family.
MANIA
The obsessive love of the stalker who cannot or will not take NO for an answer. Cue The Police:
“Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay, I’ll be watching you
Oh, can’t you see you belong to me
How my poor heart aches with every step you take…”
Unfortunately, too many people have fallen prey to this type of love and the actual police (not the British band) have been needed for intervention or sadly, investigation. Remember, a person who truly loves you will want the best for you and will help you become your best self. If s/he tries to isolate you from your friends and family (and you’re not on lockdown due to a global pandemic) or chips away at your self-worth, then you need NSYNC’s “Bye, Bye, Bye,” whose accompanying video (click the picture) is an excellent example of obsessive, controlling Mania.
LUDUS
The butterflies flutter in your stomach. Your palms get sweaty. All intelligent words escape your brain when s/he comes near. You’re experiencing LUDUS or playful love. The CRUSH.
So, instead of singing Eddie Money’s “I think I’m in love” over and over when your crush actually sits with you at lunch (like I did in high school) and you are brave enough to return his flirtations, you might want to sing instead “I think I’m in ludus.”
PRAGMA
Enduring love; one that is built upon commitment and not necessarily on Eros or Philia. Arranged marriages might be pragmatic but sharing a lifetime of love and friendship that started as Philia or Eros can also lead to Pragma via Agape.
PHILAUTIA
Self-love. One of the most important loves and the basis for all the others. Loving and accepting the uniqueness of yourself is the first step in allowing others to see you for who you are and to, therefore, love you as you deserve (so long as you don’t have an overinflated sense of self that could be damaging to yourself and a hindrance to your relationships).
All you need is love…love…love…love is all you need.
~The Beatles
We all need to know we matter. Because we do. We all have inherent worth no matter what our genetics, geography, or culture dictate. When we realize our own worth, I think it becomes easier to reflect that self-worth to others in the form of selfless love.
At its core, what really, then is love?
It’s not just the butterflies when you’re talking to somebody cute and it’s not just sex or even a commitment.
Love is sacrifice. Love is freely wanting the best for the other and intentionally choosing to do something about it.
It’s giving away all your oranges and realizing you still have a pile left to give.
Thank you, Megan, for being such a beautiful beacon of love. Now that you have Leo, I bet you’re experiencing a whole lot more love than you ever thought possible. When you’re not feeling exhausted, that is.
Sharon Korzelius is a writer, teacher, and chocolate-loving mom of three adult children. She can usually be found reading someone else’s words, tweaking her own, or enjoying the beautiful outdoors.
Many thanks to my big, fat Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary and https://greekcitytimes.com/2020/02/14/the-8-ancient-greek-words-for-love/ and https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love for the above clarifications.