eSCAping Type 1

So there’s this “news” article that appeared in the New York Times a couple of months ago that I just can’t get out of my head. No, it’s not COVID-related, or pertaining to BLM, or even addressing Kanye running for president…

You see, every week, self-proclaimed philosopher (those still exist!?) Kwame Anthony Appiah “considers readers’ ethical quandaries” by answering questions sent in to the magazine. Questions like, “Should a Parent of Two Children Split Inherence Equally?” or “How Should I Think About Race When Considering a Sperm Donor?” You know, those personal inquiries that have unlimited right/wrong answers, dependant entirely on who is individually affected and can’t possibly be answered with blanket moral statements? Yeah.

But it was Appiah’s recent attempt at answering “Is it OK to Dump Him Because of his Medical Condition?” that sparked some pretty heavy debates, especially amongst those who are actually disabled. Read it for yourself here – it’s super short, I promise.

That was actually one qualm many readers had – how brief the response was. A response that basically says yes, dumping someone because of their chronic illness is OK; in fact, it’s the “ethical” thing to do. 

I’m not going to lie, at first I kind of agreed with him. My Ataxia plays a huge role in my marriage, even though I hate acknowledging that. My husband is also my caretaker – he helps me with EVERYTHING. Dating someone with a disability can carry a lot of physical and emotional weight.

If you have the opportunity to live without that, why wouldn’t you?

In the movie Love & Other Drugs, when seeking advice on dating a girl with Parkinson’s (from a man whose wife has the disease), Jamie is told, “…go upstairs, pack your bags, and leave a nice note. Find yourself a healthy woman. I love my wife. I do. But I wouldn’t do it over again. The thing nobody tells you, this disease will steal everything you love in her. Her body, her smile, her mind. Sooner or later, she’ll lose motor control. Eventually, she won’t even be able to dress herself. Then, the fun really begins. Cleaning up her shit. Frozen face. Dementia. It’s not a disease, it’s a Russian novel.” He’s not wrong.

But thennn I changed my mind. And that is why you should always take a minute to THINK before you talk. Or write.

Sure, dating someone with a disability can definitely be a challenge. But dating someone without a disability is a challenge, too.

Relationships in general carry a lot of weight. I mean, you’re never just dating a person; you get all of the “baggage” that comes along with them.

You might not ever have to help your partner get dressed, or speak for them, or drive them everywhere… But you might have to deal with a traumatic history, or crazy in-laws, or some weird obsession, or allergies, or snoring, or phobias, or differing morals.

People without prominent disabilities still have their share of issues they bring to a relationship, they’re just not as noticeable.

At the end of the movie, Jamie obviously stays with his disabled girlfriend, telling her, “I need you. And you need me… You need someone to take care of you. Everybody does.” Aw. He’s not wrong.

And I’m certainly not alone in my opposition.

There’s currently a petition signed by almost 400 people to get the article deleted. And while of course I understand the negative perception “The Ethicist” builds, a whole group of famous authors (and I) recently wrote about the importance of debate amongst this new “cancel culture.”

Soooo maybe don’t remove it, because people can learn from it?

And Appiah did write an addendum to try to clarify his ableist response. Though I still find particular issue with the part where he says, “But precisely because a partnership is for the long term, you can appropriately consider what your lives together would be like before you enter into one.”

Because, excuse my language, but WHO THE FUCK CAN DO THAT?

Basically, he’s affirming breaking up with someone with a chronic illness because you already know how your future together is going to play out. He even goes on to say, “When a potential partner is already seriously ill, committing to this person may be committing to a life as a caregiver.”

I do not know a single human being who is living the life they thought they would be. I’m not saying it’s better or worse, just different.

I’m sure Cody didn’t always dream of having a wife in a wheelchair, but he knew all about Ataxia before we got married, so he obviously had the opportunity to live without “that burden” (as Appiah so nicely puts it).

But then he’d have to live without ME.

Luckily, Cody didn’t marry an object, or a disease, or a burden… he married his best friend. Someone who supports and encourages and jokes and loves and teaches and takes care of him. Believe it or not, people with chronic illnesses can do all of those things, too.