A Dirty Mindset: so fresh & so clean
If someone has a sink full of dishes, or piles of laundry, or dusty shelves, or carpets littered with pet hair, we associate them as being lazy, immature, incompetent, gross…
While I do think I have a pretty good reason for it now (you know, living with a progressively debilitating chronic disease while raising a toddler), I have NEVER been good at cleaning or organization. I’ll fully admit to using every excuse in the book to cover what I deemed as a lack of motivation my entire life.
But, Meg, no one likes doing chores – that’s just part of adulting. People don’t generally enjoy cleaning – it’s just something that has to be done. It’s not hard. Don’t you want a presentable home?
Yup. But, for some reason, I can’t do it. I must be a lazy, immature, incompetent, gross human who can’t handle being an adult. If I can’t even maintain a clean living space, there’s no way I’m a good mom/wife/homeowner/person.
Does that mindset sound somewhat familiar???
If so, please allow me to introduce you to KC Davis – a licensed professional counselor, author, mother of two, and founder of the Struggle Care enterprise. Through various forms of social media (TikTok, Instagram, a website/blog, a book, weekly emails), she offers helpful, practical, wonderful advice on how to “engage in gentle skill building while learning to cultivate a compassionate inner voice.”
When I say this woman changed my life, I’m really not being dramatic at all.
Hearing that it’s ok not to have a spotless house was kind of mind-blowing. That a sink full of dishes really just proves you’re doing a great job feeding yourself and your family – you’re not “lazy.” That it’s perfectly fine not to fold laundry if eliminating a step helps you to have more clean clothes to wear. That vacuuming a small area is necessary so your kid has a clean place to play; but that doesn’t mean you need to vacuum the whole house.
Obviously she’s not for everyone, but here are five direct Struggle Care quotes & images that have REALLY helped me:
1. “Chores Care Tasks”
A simple change in dialect can be SO impactful. Don’t think of chores as a daily list of activities to “get done” – they’re continuous, never-ending acts that serve to benefit YOU. The purpose of unloading the dishwasher is to provide future you with sanitary eating tools. It’s an act of self-care, not an annoying presentation.
2. “You do not exist to serve your space, your space exists to serve you.”
YOUR home is exactly that – YOURS. It needs to function for YOU.
For example, it’s difficult for me to fold and carry clean sweatshirts from the laundry room to my bedroom – they’re big and heavy and cumbersome. So I bought a big bin that now permanently sits in my laundry room that I can just toss clean sweatshirts in as I pull them out of the drier.
So, no, they’re not folded neatly organized in a drawer in my bedroom, BUT this tiny modification really helped that room fit MY needs.
3. “A clean house is morally neutral.”
I used to think that not being able to “properly” do tasks the way they’re “supposed to be done” was a negative reflection on ME as a person. You’d think I’d be used to this since there’s not much Ataxia still lets me do “normally,” but still…
Someone else telling me that A LOT (two words) of individuals struggle with care tasks and THAT’S OK since we’re good at other things helped me tremendously. Having a messy house doesn’t make me less of an adult.
4. “Good enough is perfect.”
Doing 5% of something is always better than doing nothing. You can wipe down part of the countertop without scrubbing down the whole thing. And it’s ok if your version of clean differs from what you grew up believing. It is perfectly acceptable to allocate your energy to meet your standards, not someone else’s.
Trying to be “perfect” is overwhelming; cleaning doesn’t have to be.
5. “You can’t save the rainforest if you’re depressed.”
Your priority needs to be on YOU (and your family), not the WORLD. It’s ok to use paper plates if that’s going to help you fulfill your nutritional needs. Don’t feel guilty about throwing away that growing pile of cardboard boxes that were filling your kitchen while waiting months to be recycled. You’ll be more successful when you’re healthy.
I highly recommend starting at KC’s website and going from there.
Better yet, download TikTok and spend a few days watching her videos. Not only does she offer great advice, she uses it in her own life and then SHOWS you how to do it, too.
Whether it’s using a disposable Clorox Toilet Wand to clean your bathtub, or buying an extra utensil holder for your dishwasher to simplify loading it, or implementing a “Closing Duties” system every night, or seeing different functions for various parts of your house… KC is there to help you if you need it, kind of like someone else I know.
I wish I had read this when my kids were little! The guilt and shame of having a less than perfect house, especially if you grew up in one – or inherited one- is real and takes up way too much mental energy. Thanks for another outstanding post, Meg!